didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
