there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
too bad you live with your parents still
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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