if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
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