Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
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