she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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