I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
