dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
