the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
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