I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
