i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
