upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Randomize
