1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize