Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize