Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
