i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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