What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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