I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize