you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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