i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
