I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
