That's intense
I think I am morally bankrupt
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
