Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
