Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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