It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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