everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
