Can Purell be used as lube?
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
the liver wants what the liver wants
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
