I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
