If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
