then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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