I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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