i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
