My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
