Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
