I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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