whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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