It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
