He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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