He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
