Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you're hired as official boob wrangler
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Randomize
