you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
