shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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