so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
