If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
