You smell like stripper and shame
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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