fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
