note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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