yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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