he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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