no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
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