Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Randomize
