in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
