I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
