I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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