Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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