I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
