He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
